As I walked into the science fair I felt a sudden pang of excitement. I was surprised no one wanted to come with me. As the convention went on I watched the radioactive laser in action, I felt as if I was lost in my own little world, I reached up to adjust my glasses when suddenly...
A blood red radioactive spider jumped down! My heart was beating so quickly it felt as if it was going to jump out of my skin. The radioactive spider started to show it's blood sucking fangs. It started to stare at me with it's little beady eye's then it started to move around, it tickled so much I laughed despite of everything! What was going to happen to me next?... I daren't move just in case it would bite me.
Before long the crimson red spider was sinking it's blood sucking, needle sharp fangs into my pale white skin! I was so stunned I couldn't move even though the beasts fangs were still stuck in my skin sucking away, blood started to trickle down my hand. I started to panic what if I died from blood loss! I shook and shivered at the thought of it I wished this was all a dream...
I felt a sudden tingle running through my body, as the radioactive venom ran through my entire blood stream. It was so sudden I became shocked, and I couldn't move a muscle. I started to stagger and stumble into the wall, the room was blurred in front of me. I started to lose my vision it was as if my whole world was obscured.
Suddenly I felt as if I had lost control of my body and I started to shake all over! Before I knew it I was jumping all around the place, also I had a terrible headache like my brain was bursting through my skull! I...needed...get...home...LOSING...CONSCIOUSNESS...ca...ll...h...elp...whats happening to me...
Posts
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ReplyDeleteYou can't just leave it there!!?!?!??!?
What's going to happen next?
PS - love the excellent use of a non-sentence at the end there. Very effective.
good story > and very well edited > paragraphs help to change scene and preserve the pace well done John Davitt aka maninmoon
ReplyDeleteGreat writing girls. I reall like the way you use adjectives to 'color in' your writing. I'm a teacher in Australia. Love the way you used capitals for emphasis in the last sentemce.
ReplyDeleteWow! Kate and Laura
ReplyDeleteThis is a dramatic and evocative piece of writing. I found the hairs on the back of my neck standing up as I read your account. I think it was the way you imagined the powerlessness of being bitten, and the unknown of what might happen next.
I cannot wait to read more - and find out what happened to you next!
Thanks for posting it here on your blog, and inviting fans of comics (like me) to comment!
Say hi to Mr Barrett from me
Eylan (pronounced Eee-lan)
Thank you Kate and Laura for a thrilling story! It was so scary I had to read it from behind my sofa. I am not sure if I want to meet the radioactive spider. Someone must have annoyed him.
ReplyDeletePlease write some more stories when you get time. My name is Mike. I live in Brentwood in Essex. I used to be a teacher. I taught science in a senior school but I never saw anything so scary as a radioactive spider at a science fair.
I have a granddaughter called Isobelle who is four years old. When she is older I hope she will be able to write stories as exciting as yours.
Great story girls! I love the superhero genre!
ReplyDeleteAs with all origins of superheroes it's always good to know a little about the background of the superhero-to-be. Perhaps you can let us know a litte bit about the personal history of main character?
Your story reminded me of a couple of websites that you might find useful if you want to expand your superhero story in the form of a comic. For example
http://superherosquad.marvel.com
http://marvel.com/create_your_own_superhero
You could even use your story as the basis for a computer game!
Whatever, you decide to do, Im looking forward to reading what happens next!
Best wishes
Brian Clark
Development Officer: Consolarium
Learning and Teaching Scotland
Wow ! What a great start, I love Sci-Fi and this sounds like the beginning of a epic story..
ReplyDeleteHi Kate and Laura. This is a great piece of writing. Full of supense and I love the ellipses in the last sentence. I really want to read more!! Andrea, London
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this and am left wondering whether the character will survive or not. I like the the way you have organised your writing into clear paragraphs. It is really well structured.
ReplyDeleteYou are very good at describing things and thinking of strong verbs to use like stagger, stumble and trickle. To improve and help build up more suspense, try to describe something before revealing what it is. For example, in the second paragraph, you said straight away that 'A blood red radioactive spider jumped down!' You could have described its size, the way it moved, how it felt on your skin etc, before saying what it actually was.
You are great authors and I hope that you continue to enjoy writing.
Wow! This is great writing Kate and Laura. I love the descriptive language you use as it provides me (the reader) with much more information to create a vivid picture in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI think I like this bit best - "A blood red radioactive spider jumped down! My heart was beating so quickly it felt as if it was going to jump out of my skin. The radioactive spider started to show it's blood sucking fangs."
This passage of text certainly would inspire me as a reader to carry on with this story.
Well done. It's a real page turner!
Thats good it must of took you agers.
ReplyDeleteShannon and sharna ;)
I really enjoyed writting this story it was so
ReplyDeletefun we would like to thank Mr Barrett for helping
us he is a great teacher.
from Kate And Laura
xxx
Wow, what pace, I couldn't read this fast enough and what a cliff hanger to leave the reader on, I need to know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing.
We love how you told the story with lots of expresion and vocab.
ReplyDeleteFrom Faith West and Maisie - May
I like the description of the poison attacking Peter's body - "It was so sudden I became shocked, and I couldn't move a muscle. I started to stagger and stumble into the wall, the room was blurred in front of me. I started to lose my vision it was as if my whole world was obscured." What a nightmare!!! I can just imagine feeling like that, and that is what writing should do, help the reader to imagine what is happening. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteHello! My name is Tiffany Lindell and I am taking EDM310 which is a class at the University of South Alabama. One of my assignments was to look at your blog. This was a very creative story. I really enjoyed your choice of words in this piece. I am a teacher myself and the descriptive words that you used in the story were very creative. It sounds like you have a great teacher. The ending was my favorite part of the story. The way you ended this piece, keep the reader anxious to hear more. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHere is my URL: http://lindelltiffanyedm310.blogspot.com/
Loved it! This is a great story and has such great drama. Very well written. The last sentence was the best though. It brought it all together.
ReplyDelete